For some people, it may take a lifetime to realize that life is beautiful. But for me, it only took sixteen years. Only sixteen years of pain, hate, love and bliss. Sixteen years of lies, guilt, invisibility, and praise. Sixteen years to finally see and understand this maze of colors and sounds. Sweet sixteen.
Happiness is not a gift nor a privelage. Happiness is an essence.
What I see; shadows of oaks in the sunset, ripples of water to the East, soldiers on rocks in the distance, heroes on the ledge with their swords, jesters with their wings spread wide, the orange sun kissing all.
What I hear; roaring monsters of freight, fountains repeating the stories of my first summer until my last, those brave little soldiers commanding their orders, the whisper of the wind calling me home.
What I feel; the soft caress of chilled spring wind, those last few rays of light and love, that feeling of wonder.
I understand that nothing can ruin this moment. This is my moment and no one elses. This is my day and no one elses. This is my life and no one elses. This is me.

Is it? Isn't it? I don't even know.

A weekend can seem to change anything and everything. One little coincidence can change the whole world. By chance, that day, he walked down the same stairs as me. I haven’t seen him on those stairs since then. But if he hadn’t said hello, I wouldn’t have started liking him. I wouldn’t be SO close to something amazing. I’m only inches away. I can just feel it. I didn’t think I would ever want him like I do. I never knew he’d be crossing my mind almost every second. But it scares me now. I was so hesitant before. Afraid of letting HIM down. But now I’m afraid of being let down. He can’t like me that much. This must just be nothing. Tomorrow everything will be like normal and I’ll fall back into my mind somewhere like always. I overanalyze, over think, labeled as a dreamer. Like Cassius from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, my thoughts and silence categorize me as dangerous. And I do believe it. Causing more danger to myself than to others. How many opportunities have I missed because I’ve picked it apart and found all the negatives. I used to tell myself ‘’let it slide” or ‘’just go with with it” but I just can’t seem to. This is the first time I’ve just gone along with what’s happening. I’m not just jumping right in. But that’s what I’m so used to. Getting over the coldness of the water by jumping right in. What’s with this testing? Why should I test the water with my toes and ease my way in? Doesn’t it just make the process more dreadful? Knowing that every inch of your body that you let sink, it just gets colder and colder. It hardly ends there. You can only become warm by moving around. A standstill just makes you shiver. So it could be seen as a beautiful thing. A dance that makes the warmth keep growing. It’s all so new to me. Reborn into a world of SLOW love. In no way less powerful and in no way less important. But in all ways better. In ALL ways....real.

Sorry. Rant.

Dad says about my getting a hamster from mom after he says no

"It really has no value because i didnt do anything to earn it and i just play my mother to get instant gratification. He can't get me to rinse out my ceral bowl so how does he know i'll clean the hamsters cage? He knows that I'm playing my mom and he knows im ignoring his calls. I've been playing my mom since i was little. And I'm just not getting any value and not working for anything i get because i can just get it from my mom. "

I wish i had the fucking ''lecture'' recorded. Now those of you who read this won't really understand my anger but here's what I have to say and would like to say to my father.


FUCK YOU, dad. You think i get everything i want, whenever i want??? huh? you think i get instant gratification with everything? Well, ya know what? I DONT get everything i want. The material things and money i get don't even fucking matter. Ya know what i DONT get? I dont get a functional family. I don't get 2 parents that care completely about me. No I don't get that. I want it more than anything. I'd give my left arm for my mothers attention aside from her boyfirend or work or alcohol. I'd do anything for a father that could listen to his daughters side of the conversation WITHOUT thinking about himself the whole time. Ya know, sometimes you don't even fucking listen to things I have to say. Even if theyre little things, I still care that youre at least listening. Maybe you could at least do a better job at hidhing the fact that youre distracted by something more important then your own daughter. oh yeah and maybe you shouldnt fucking judge every single move i make and decision i make before I ever get a chance to explain. you know what I've learned to do? Whenever you give me some big lecture on what i do wrong, I just listen carefully, nod, and then go back to whatever it was i was doing, knowing that you just made a fucking idiot out of yourself and that youre completely wrong. You'll go off thinking you really told me something I'll think about and build character in me, but you did NOTHING but humiliate yourself. And you think I don't earn the things I do get? you think it doesnt take a lot from me to get out of bed every day and go to school? you think its a piece of cake at high school? And whenever I start doing productive things like excersising more often, its never enough. I could always be doing something better. you can never accept the fact that i've improved a lot in life in general and I'm doing a great job and im working hard at it. And when you gave me that little lecture today, you said that I was too young to understand the value of things i earn. You thought you were teaching me something. You thought I was learning about it for the first time. That makes me laugh the most. I know now, that you know absolutely nothing about me. All you see is the outside and only a summary of whats inside because you'll never take the time to see everything inside.
I want parents who want me more. I want parents that will risk little things to spend time with their daughter. I want my parents to know who i am today. I want my parents to know that I'M STILL HERE and I still need them. I'm tired of growing up on my own. I want that little pat on the back or little nudge to go on. I don't wanna raise myself anymore.
So no, dad, I don't get whatever the fuck i want. I don't get a family. How about some fucking instant gratification on that?

Testing on Animals

So there’s no real way I can state my opinon on animal testing without sounding hypocritical. My opinion is of course that I am against all animal testing. It doesn’t depend on the cuteness of the animal I just think we (humans) are ignorant to do so. For one, the anatomy of an animal is mostly different from ours. Although our nervous system may be like a rats or something of ours is similar to a beagles, they’re still not the same.

But if someone is against testing on animals yet still eats meat, does that make them hypocritical?
In some ways yes it does because I’m against killing animals through testing, yet I’ll eat a cow.
However, part of our food chain is meat and duh we’re gonna have to get that from cows, chickens, fish, etc. It’s our human nature to eat meat. Sure vegitarianism is fine and usually healthy but our NATURAL food source comes from animals. And those who eat meat, do not slaughter the animal. So if the animal is going to be slaughtered anyway, why waste the protein?

So, you see, eating animals is a natural thing and can’t make you hypocritical if you’re against animal testing because killing animals through testing is a completely different thing. It is NOT in our human nature to kill animals just to see effects.
Sure, we find out a lot of stuff and ways to cure certain diseases, but you’re still killing an innocent being for no good reason.

So if you don’t test on animals, how would we find the information out about curing diseases?
Some say, test on humans. Well, no one really is going to colunteer for that unless they have major problems and don’t mind suicide. We’d probably be a lot more successful in finding cures, by testing on humans but we’re oh so important so we just can’t.

If you don’t want to test human volunteers, why not test people on death row who are going to die anyway?
Although its really not that bad of an idea because they’re going to die anyway, there’s still something wrong. It just doesn’t seem right. I can’t really think of an argument why this is nuts but it just kinda is.

I guess what I’m getting at is, why test on humans or animals. Why can’t scientists just be smart enough to stick with plants and other organisms to find their cures. Why bring animals into it?

Little Boy Jerry

Let's get this straight, I take all the pictures I put up >
So, I love my dad alot and I live with him full time because it's very stable over here. But he can be so freakin' immature sometimes. He absolutely refuses to do anything that has to do with my mom. I mean, yes, he doesn't have to see her but he won't even go out for my brothers birthday if she is involved. So my dad is missing my brothers birthday, just because he can't ''put up with'' my mom for an hour or two. There's just some things in life, that whether you like it or not, you just have to do. you might not want to, but it's just something you really should do. I don't always want to go to school every day but hey, I'll go and put up with it for the day because it's what I should do. And what makes me even more angry is the fact that he'll badmouth my mom around me. I can't mention one little thing about her without him making some crude joke about her. And no matter how many times I tell him not to do it around me, he still does it. I guess that when it comes to my mother, or any other insecurity of his, he becomes so childish. And I guess he's where I get my stubbornness from. But hey, I'm not childishly stubborn like he is.

Moonlight Sonata

So I wrote this poem by moonlight, while listening to Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.
It kinda has numerous meanings.
If you really wanna know what any of them are, just send me a message or soemthing :-)
I hope people will actually read this.

As she lays in bed,
Searching for the faces of trees
The scent of summer
The feeling of a new light
She stares.
The door opens.
She doesn't flinch.
She does not breathe.
She does not dream.

Footsteps.
One, Two, One Two.
Movement.
An arm across her
A face beside her
A heart parallel
A voice so familiar
This is no stranger.
His touch
She remembers.

His touch.

She takes in a breath
Sighs.
"Listen" she whispers. "Listen."
To the world echoes silence.

"I hear" he sighs "I know."
It fades.
Fading, fading.
He hears it too
He sees.
Embracing her, holding her
Together breathing
In, out, in out

In.

Out.

"Why?" she asks.
A single tear
Journeys down her face.
Her still frame
He touches
Something so complete
Was torn apart
He had gone away
Words left unspoken
"It doesn't matter anymore. I'm here"

Shivers sent down her spine
Emptiness to completeness
Questions answered
Secrets revealed
A pain which hurts
Yet feels like a dream

There's no turning back now.

Hearts beat as one.
Chests rise and fall together.
Souls combined
She cries again, knowing.
From it's faded echo it grows.
Louder.
Louder.
Louder.

He knows. Truth. He knows.

Louder.
Louder.

At last she screams
Feels nothing.
Sees, smells, tastes nothing.
Only hearing.
"FOREVER" he whispers, a threat to her ears.

Hesitation.

"Forever" she repeats.

Forever....

Bad...no, Horrible....no, Disastrous Drivers

Took that picture too :-) --->
Normally, I don't get annoyed or ticked off too easily.
Well maybe I do, however, I'm very good at hiding it and not acknowledging it.
But the one thing that can make me go from calm and relaxed Abby to bitchy and pissed Abby is bad drivers.
Now, I may only be 16 and I may have only been driving for a few months, but that doesn't mean I don't know a good driver from a bad one.
I find myself repeatedly saying to myself
''Ugh blinkers were invented for a reason"
"Why don't you just cut right in front of me, ya douche bag"
"Dude, gooooo"
"Uhh helloooo it's my turn''
I even have a key chain that says ''If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair"
Personally I beleive that as soon as you turn 70, you should get your license taken away.
I mean, I've gone to the DMV and I see these old men taking the vision test and they don't get a single thing right and the people are just like ''O.K. well here's your license"
Soooo, an old man can have absolutely no vision in his left eye and get his license yet if anyone rolls a stop sign, they can't pass their drivers test?
BLASPHEMY!
So do me a favor, people.
Drive WELL.
And if you DON'T drive well, just don't drive around me. :-)

Have a nice day :-)